2008

Baring it All

Sometimes you can't be the person to fight...

Sometimes you need to wait til they fall and be there.

...he likes it cause it's cold in there.

I walked into the house today with a feeling I have avoided for over a year. A sense of dread was waiting for me at the top step of my apartment, hand in hand with a familiar silence. I dropped the bags of laundry and felt the warmth rush up in my throat and the back of my eyes and swallowed to keep it down. Keep it in its place. Safe from the sight of others…not that anyone or anything other than the furniture would see it. I resisted the urge to walk to fridge to search for solace. I came here. I came to you. I came for an answer that will spring from my subconscious or hit me like divinity.

Things have been going well. I know because everyone has told me so. Co-workers and friends and family. You look good. You look rested. Your eyes are shining, your skin is glowing, your hair…And I've been happy and hopeful. And I've been fearless. And I've been content. A feeling so foreign for so long, that now that I had it again, I hoped it was here to stay. But late last night and early this morning I felt that old companion creep up. That cold breath on the back of my neck. That longing.

Disappear.

Pack a bag and walk out the door and don't look back.

My mind springs to an image of a late night pool game where I miss an easy shot. My opponent shakes his head and says, "Wow, you missed but I've got nothing now." "Yeah," I reply, "I was always good at a bad leave. Just ask my husband." Howling laughter ensues.

I keep finding myself in this situation. I miss the shot. Then everything is left at a standstill. I can't see the next move. I can't read the table. The only option I see is to re-rack and start again – but I know that's against the rules. I know you gotta play it out.

What's in the fridge?

No answers, I bet. Guess I'll just sit here til I make my next move.